Ben and I were at the peak of happiness when we knew we were pregnant for the first time in the year 2020. All our scan visits and checkups were a joyful ride for both of us until one day it wasn't the same for me. I was sad and gloomy but, the cheerful Ben was still being joyful knowing it was all taken care of. 'Hey, what's wrong? C'mon sing with me as you normally would' are Ben's words during our ride for the final checkup in the 5th week of my first pregnancy which held the worst news of all times.
I was having a severe pain the previous night and I started bleeding the next day which I knew was not normal and we took off for our checkup with our doctor who said 'come back in the evening, lets wait and see'. That gave me hope! It sure did. Towards the evening the pain got worse and I started bleeding pretty heavily. Took our bike, went to the doctor, and she rushed me into the scan room only to double check with another doctor that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy - where the baby gets formed in a place other than the center of the uterus. Had to undergo a quick surgery, where they would usually remove the affected fallopian tube(part of the uterus) to keep the mother safe. But to our surprise, even after the burst and losing so much blood in my case, the doctor said nothing was affected and let us keep the fallopian tubes intact. Now, that's good news everybody!!
As I was going through the surgery Ben had been battling with all of these questions, Did Jesus really take my child away? If Jesus took away all my sins, why am I told that this happened because of my past sins by someome very close? And that is when God intervened to tell him that 'Death is not a defeat'
When Jesus was killed on the cross, the religious leaders and Roman officers believed he had been defeated and saw it as a cause for celebration. However, his death brought hope and happiness to those who understood that he was sent by God to earth to die for sins and conquer death through his resurrection. So the phrase “Death is not a defeat” gave hope and peace when we anticipated the victory and the power of resurrection that will follow after the death.
I got pregnant the second time and this time the morning sickness was so worse that I could barely stand or talk. And in my 10th week, the scan showed 'No Heartbeat' since the 6th week. That was a shock to us again. And they said it is a Missed Miscarriage. It got me so numb.
Then the doctor asked me to wait for 6months to one year to make my body ready for another pregnancy. And there came our abroad process and in a year we moved here to Canada.
We got pregnant for the 3rd time in the year 2022 July. Woah, what a joyful day it was! I still reminisce those calls we made to our families and friends. It was joy all over. Little did I know that I was battling traumas from the previous pregnancies and I was in fear and doubt. And also to add, the person who took our scan told us that 'I did not have any baby inside, maybe that could be a cyst'. On our way back, I was telling Ben, 'Well, this this not something new to us. We have been through this.' I prepared myself to face the worst.
What if that's going to be an ectopic again? What if I have terrible morning sickness that I won't make it this time too? What if we were meant to not have a baby? What will my relatives talk about this? Some questions I could recollect running in my head. Cutting short on my pregnancy diary, had four emergency visits, constipated for 2 weeks, struggled with fear till the end, had symptoms of depression, and yes that's me lamenting. Lol.
As much as I saw only what may not go fine, I had Ben seeing only what was going to happen. He spoke life and encouragement into this situation always.
The journey was not easy and the process was for sure tough. It was not God doing a Midas touch to turn our situation around, but it was Him touching us and changing the way we saw the situation. Being joyful to a not-so happy ending was God doing it for us. Joy and death can never always go together is what we believe. We definitely were looked different when we were joyful during the previous experiences.
When all that the world saw was discouragement we saw encouragement, we found hope in our hopelessness, we found joy in our distress.
The GIFT that we got was packaged and delivered at the right time. No questions asked. Here we have Trini journeying with us for the past 1 year giving us so much joy and laughter every single day, growing to be more joyous. Her smile and her Hi is so contagious I am telling ya!.
And now after being blessed with Trini, we can look in to the eyes of death and challenge as how Jesus challenged during His resurrection saying “ O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:55-57)
A song that captures our pregnancy experience and God's goodness in the journey is found in the video link below
https://youtu.be/swhP6ib6WKo
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